Onlygaypadel.com · Members only

Are you
18 or over?

This site has a filthy mouth and a padel obsession. Nothing here is explicit, but the jokes are not for children and neither are the socials.

A padel club with no court, no committee and no shame

Padel is a
doubles game.
Stop making
it weird.

Twenty metres by ten, behind glass, with someone you've only just met and a wall that keeps giving you second chances. We didn't design the sport. We just noticed.

Claim a slot What is this, actually Free tier · No card · 18+

01 — The premise

We don't own a court.
We fill them.

OnlyGayPadel isn't a venue and it isn't a league. It's the group chat that turns into a booking. You bring a pala and a sense of humour, we bring three other people who won't make it weird when you're rubbish for the first six weeks. Everyone is rubbish for the first six weeks.

01

Find your other half

Padel is doubles. Always. You cannot play this alone, no matter how much you'd like to. Tell us your side, your level and your city, and we'll pair you with someone who won't sigh at your backhand.

02

Turn up somewhere

Members-only socials at courts around the UK. Two hours on, one hour in the bar, no ladder tables, no blokes shouting "unlucky". Beginners' sessions run separately so nobody has to pretend.

03

Get filthy about it

The private feed: fixtures, kit drops, match clips, and the running commentary that got us thrown out of two other WhatsApp groups. Rude, not explicit. There's a difference and we're mostly on the right side of it.

NET · 88cm at the middle 20m × 10m · glass on all four walls THE LEFT THE RIGHT

Positions, explained

Everyone wants
the left. Nobody
wants to say why.

In padel the left-side player finishes the point: the smashes, the víbora, the theatrical bit at the net. The right side does the work, keeps the rally alive and takes the balls nobody else wants. Both jobs are essential. One gets all the attention. Tell us your side when you sign up and we'll try very hard not to comment.

  • Court20m × 10m
  • WallsGlass. All four. Everyone's watching
  • Net height88cm centre / 92cm posts
  • Ball pressureLower than tennis. Less bounce, more work
  • Players4. Always 4. Non-negotiable
  • ScoringTennis. Love still means nothing

02 — Founding roster

Twelve slots.
Mostly empty.
That's the point.

We're not going to invent a load of members and pretend they're real. Here's the actual state of it: the first twelve people in get founding rates locked for life, a say in where the first socials happen, and the smug satisfaction of a low number next to their name. Slot 01 is claimed. Slot 02 is currently yours to lose.

SLOT 01

Left · Founder

Claimed

SLOT 02

Left or right

You,
probably

SLOT 03

Open

Available

SLOT 04

Open

Available

SLOT 05

Open

Available

SLOT 06

Open

Available

SLOT 07

Open

Available

SLOT 08

Open

Available

SLOT 09

Open

Available

SLOT 10

Open

Available

SLOT 11

Open

Available

SLOT 12

Open

Available

Founding rate is locked at sign-up and never goes up. After slot 12 it goes to standard pricing and you'll have to live with a three-digit member number like everyone else.

03 — Socials

Two hours on court.
One hour in the bar.
No ladder table.

Nothing below is confirmed yet, because we're not going to lie to you on a landing page. These are the sessions we're pricing up now. Members vote on the venues and get first refusal before anything goes public.

TBC · Autumn

The Soft Launch — London

Beginners and returners. Four courts, mixed levels, absolutely nobody keeping score. Two hours, then somewhere with a decent negroni.

Members first

TBC · Autumn

Left Side Only

Everyone plays the left. It goes badly. That's the whole event. Advanced-ish, bring your ego and prepare to leave it in the cage.

Venue TBC

TBC · Winter

The Midlands Round

Birmingham. Because half the good padel in this country is nowhere near Zone 1 and we're tired of pretending otherwise.

Venue TBC

TBC · Winter

Golden Point Christmas

One point decides everything. Losers buy. Winners insufferable until January. Tinsel on the net, non-negotiable.

Venue TBC

04 — Membership

Three tiers.
One of them is free.
None of them are subtle.

You're joining a club, not buying content. There is no locked feed of anything you'd need a private browser for. What you're paying for is the pairing, the sessions and not having to organise any of it yourself.

Trialist

£0 / forever

For the ones still deciding whether they mean it.

  • Public fixtures list
  • Newsletter, roughly monthly
  • Beginners' session waitlist
  • No partner matching
  • No members' feed
Start free

Switch

£7 / month · founding rate

Plays both sides. Our most popular member, allegedly.

  • Partner matching by side, level and city
  • Members' feed and group chat
  • First refusal on every social
  • Members' rate on court bookings
  • No kit discount
Claim a slot

Top Seed

£16 / month · founding rate

Everything, plus the right to be unbearable about it.

  • Everything in Switch
  • Guaranteed place at every social
  • Bring a guest, twice a year
  • 20% off kit, forever
  • Your name on the founding board
Go top

Founding rates hold for as long as you stay a member. Cancel in two clicks, no phone call, no "are you sure", no retention offer from someone called Dwayne.

05 — Testimonials we have completely made up

Nobody has said any
of this. Yet.

Every other launch page fakes this bit. We're doing it out loud instead. These are the reviews we're aiming for. Join and help us earn one.

I came for the padel. I stayed because someone finally explained the bandeja without being a prick about it.

Invented member, Slot 04

Six weeks in and I've stopped apologising every time I miss. That's the whole product.

Fictional, London

My partner asked what the group chat was about. I said "sport". Technically true.

Entirely hypothetical

06 — Kit

Coming when it's
good enough to charge for.

We're not drop-shipping you a Gildan tee with a logo slapped on it. Samples are being made. Members get first look and 20% off on the Top Seed tier.

The Short Shorts

Four-inch inseam. Deep pockets that actually hold a ball. Yes, that is the joke, and yes, they're also just good shorts.

£38 · sampling

"Love Means Nothing" Tee

Heavyweight, boxy, screen-printed. Scoring joke on the front, court plan on the back. Nobody outside the sport will get it.

£32 · sampling

Overgrip, 3-pack

Tacky, thin, pink. Because you will sweat, your hands will slip, and you'll blame the pala.

£9 · sampling

The Cage Cap

Six-panel, unstructured, low crown. For the walk from the car park to the court and every photo thereafter.

£24 · sampling

07 — Questions you were going to email us

Ask. We've heard
worse.

Is this actually a sex thing?
No. It's a padel club with a filthy mouth. There's no explicit content here and there never will be — the name is a joke about a doubles sport played behind glass, and if you turn up expecting anything else you'll be extremely disappointed and also playing padel.
Do I have to be gay?
No. You have to be able to take a joke, give one back, and not be weird about who you're partnered with. That's the entire door policy. Everyone's welcome; nobody's obligated to explain themselves.
Do I have to be good?
Absolutely not. Padel is the most forgiving racket sport there is — the walls give you a second go at almost everything, and a complete beginner can hold a rally on day one. What you do need is to turn up when you said you would, because three other people have booked their evening around you.
I've never played. What do I need?
Trainers with a flat-ish sole, something you can sweat in, and nothing else. Courts hire palas for a few quid and balls come with the booking. Don't buy a £200 pala before you know whether you like it. You will be told this again at the door.
Left or right — which do I pick?
If you're new, start on the right: more balls come to you, you'll learn faster, and the rally lives or dies with you. Move left when you want to hit smashes and be applauded. Most people pick left for reasons unrelated to tactics.
Where are you actually based?
London first, Midlands second, then wherever the members are. Padel is growing faster than the court supply in this country, so the honest answer is: tell us your city at sign-up and we'll go where the numbers are.
Can I cancel?
Two clicks, any time, no phone call, no guilt-trip email with a photo of a sad dog. Your founding rate goes with you though, so think about it for a second.

08 — Get in

Claim
your slot.

One email, one city, one side of the court. We'll tell you when there's a session near you and pair you with someone at roughly your level. No card, no charge, no newsletter about our brand journey.

We store your email and your city. That's it. One-click unsubscribe on everything. We don't sell lists and we're not building a data business — we're trying to book four people onto a court.